Holiday Blues
UU Fellowship of Midland, MI
December 7, 2003
Jane Thickstun

Reading 1

The first reading is called “Perfect Christmas Gift,” and is by Jane Ellen Mauldin. It’s from her meditation manual called, “Glory Hallelujah! Now Please Pick up your Socks.” 

            Each Christmas, despite my past experiences, I strive for and expect perfection.  I sally forth in quest of the perfect Christmas gift, the perfect Christmas experience, and the perfect Christmas worship service.

            Each year it’s the same.  I don’t seem to learn.  Three years ago, I bought my husband the perfect gift, an exquisite, Swiss Army knife from a notable catalog company.  Harry used it continually for three months until the front and back of the case fell off and it became impossible to open.

            Two years ago, Santa brought my son the perfect surprise, an electric train set.  I was extremely proud of the set and helped Santa set it up late Christmas Eve.  The next morning, the engine wouldn’t stay on the tracks and the little pieces kept breaking.  It was a clunker.

            A year ago, departing from our congregation’s traditional, beloved Candles and Carols service, I wrote (I thought) a perfect Christmas Eve service, telling the Christmas story with the poetry of W. H. Auden.  It was thick and dense.  The children in attendance were completely lost and even my family didn’t “get it.”

            I continue to be disappointed with my strivings at Christmas time, yet isn’t that what Christmas is all about?  The Christmas myth is a story about something special happening in the midst of imperfection.  After all, Jesus was– shall we say– an unplanned pregnancy.  His mother gave birth while far from home.  Joseph and Mary were poor and their child was born in a stable.  The locals weren’t exactly thrilled with the baby.  His parents had to flee to Egypt to save his life.

            It helps me to remember these things about the Christmas story.  I feel at home in this part of the myth, for my failings and disappointments continue unabated through December, and family squabbles invariably increase at this time of year.  Yet, in all these imperfections, the true meaning of Christmas can be found.

            Christmas isn’t about perfection.  It is about love in the thick of our daily lives: human love, family love, being glad we have one another.  For us fussbudgets the angels sing.  Glory hallelujah!  Now please pick up your socks.

Reading 2

The second reading is called “A Rose in Snow,” and is also by Jane Ellen Mauldin, from her meditation manual called, “Glory Hallelujah! Now Please Pick up your Socks.” 

            The year my brother died, my family tried to pretend our sorrow wasn’t real and we kept to all our regular Christmas traditions.  Although we were crazed with grief, we tried to fake it and were all miserable.

            Later, when my father died, my mother decided we should take a trip for the holidays instead of staying home and being overwhelmed by memories.

            “But it won’t be like Christmas!” my teenaged brother protested.

            “It can never be like it has been before,” replied my mother.

            Concord, Massachusetts, was our destination.  We checked into historic Concord Inn on the public square and spent three days exploring the wintry village.  We walked across the bridge from which the shot was fired that was heard ‘round the world.  We discovered paths in the snow around Emerson’s house and the Alcott house.  We slid across the ice on Walden Pond.  It was a wonderful adventure, but at the same time we were all unhappy.  We spent Christmas Eve in the inn’s pub, and I was not alone in crying myself to sleep that night.

            Early on Christmas morning, my mother and I rose at dawn.  Leaving my brother asleep, we slipped out for a walk.  It was a frosty but clear morning.  A fresh layer of snow had utterly muffled the town.  For deep, unspoken reasons, we headed up a hill to the old cemetery where many great authors and American leaders are buried.  We were looking for the grave of poet Henry David Thoreau.  The dirt walkway up the hill was quite steep and coated in thick ice.  We pulled ourselves up hand-over-hand using the iron handrail.  As we reached the top, the steam of our breaths appeared to be the only lively warmth in the chilly, pink dawn.  After a search, we spied Thoreau’s grave, a large tombstone cresting out of a snowdrift.  And there, to our astonishment and joy, lay a single red rose.  No one else was in sight, but some lone soul had made his or her pilgrimage in the first light of Christmas Day to salute that free spirit.

            My family no longer “does Christmas” as we once did.  Each year is now unique, and I like it that way.  I have fewer expectations of Christmas and enjoy myself more.  I live less in the past and try to appreciate my life here and now.

            Let go of what Christmas “should be” and try to live it in your own way.  You may find joy where you least expect it: a red rose in the snow.

Sermon

            Remember the old, classic Charlie Brown Christmas special?  It starts out with Charlie Brown saying, “I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus.  Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy.  I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.”

            There is a lot of pressure to feel happy at this time of year.  Thanksgiving and the December holidays conjure up images of warm and cosy family gatherings, everybody together, everybody feeling loving and giving and forgiving.  We picture beautiful decorations, perfect gifts that are just what everybody wanted, and scrumptious meals that include every expected treat and more.  In this picture, every heart is bursting with love, is feeling merry and joyful and full of the holiday spirit.

            But many of us don’t feel happy at this time of year.  For some, this is the hardest time of all, precisely because we feel out of step with the mood of the holiday season.

            As UU minister Don Southworth says, “For many the holiday season brings a confusing mixture of feelings. For those who today are not Christians but were in their childhood, Christmas may have little or no religious value because they have rejected the birth story of Jesus. But even though intellectually this is so, many have fond memories of midnight masses and rituals that made Christmas a special time of year. For those who are Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu or Muslim the holiday season is a time when the feeling of being religiously marginalized may be at its highest. Even though each of those religious traditions celebrate holidays this time of year, we don’’t hear about Hanukah sales or Ramadan community celebrations.”

            It is the commercialization of Christmas that bothers Charlie Brown most.  His dog, Snoopy, enters a lights and display contest to win money.  His sister, Sally, wants him to write a letter to Santa for her, asking for amounts in tens and twenties.  Lucy says she gets depressed at Christmas because she never gets what she wants – Real Estate! 

            The advertisements on the TV and elsewhere build on the image of happy families exchanging gifts and eating well.  They let us know that not only should we expect it, but we can have it if we only buy this or that product.  The commercialization of our winter holidays can make them seem superficial.  It can become all about money when our primary concern is the gifts we wish to buy or the ones we wish to receive.  Especially with our secularization of the holiday, it can seem like it is more about the food and the gifts and the decorations than ever. 

            But Charlie Brown’s depression also comes from looking in his mailbox and finding no cards, and knowing that others are exchanging holiday cards.  He feels left out.  He feels unloved.  The holiday season just emphasizes his feelings of loneliness.

            If you’re feeling isolated and alone, it can feel like everyone else is getting cards, getting together with family or loved ones and is happy, while you’re on the outside looking in.  Actually, there are many, many people in this situation who feel this way.  Loneliness is accentuated in the holiday season.

            The song Blue Christmas is about missing a loved one who you can’t be with for Christmas.  Some people have family or others they would like to be with, but they can’t get together because the distance is too great, or the expense, or both. 

            Some people are divorced or separated and can’t be with their families, or at least not in a happy, uncomplicated way.  Divorce creates all kinds of complications when there are children in the family, and even in the best of situations, there is a great deal of loss for all involved.  The family traditions are uprooted and the kids are shuffled around.  The image of the happy family together for the holidays doesn’t ring true anymore.

             Then there are those who are estranged from family or family members for various reasons, and these people have it perhaps the hardest. 

            The holidays are particularly hard for those who are experiencing a recent death in the family, or maybe even not so recent.  It is somehow hardest at the holidays, when you feel their absence more than ever.  In the second reading, Mauldin’s family discovered the hard way that the traditional celebrations don’t feel right when someone who should be there is gone forever.  When the father died, they decided to do something radically different, and though it didn’t feel right, at least they didn’t try to pretend that things could go on just the same. 

            In the first reading, Mauldin has a family of her own, and is trying to create the perfect holiday.  Many of us fall into this trap.  It’s another cause of holiday depression.  It’s depressing because we can never achieve what we’re after.  We’re chasing an idealized image, maybe a composite of childhood holidays. Maybe we only remember the good stuff, and forget that even  in the holidays of our childhood there were sibling squabbles and disappointing gifts and someone who didn’t want to eat their vegetables.

            The stress of trying to create the perfect holiday for everyone may be a gender-related malady.  In my own family, my brother and father were pretty much incapable of picking out gifts, but it was so important to my mother and sister that I sometimes felt their entire self-esteem was riding on my reaction to their present.  And my family is not unique.  Southworth says, “studies have shown that women do most of the shopping, cleaning and the cooking, women do most of the card writing and mailing, women do most of the planning and worrying.”  The need of many women, and maybe even some men, to “do it all” and for everything to be “perfect” can make the holiday season feel like an ordeal.

            Another reason for holiday depression is the season itself.  This is the darkest time of the year. The days have been getting steadily shorter since June and will reach the shortest on the Solstice, December 21^st.  It is a known fact that sunlight helps our mood.  Some are more affected than others, but the darkness affects us all in some way.  It is, of course, because of this that these holidays happen at this time of year to begin with.  Our celebrations bring light into a dark time, and they celebrate the return of the light.

            So the holiday season isn’t necessarily the holly, jolly, merry, festive time it’s cracked up to be.  What can we do if we find ourselves feeling down because of the holidays?

            The biggest thing we can do is lower our expectations.  Most of the disappointments come when reality doesn’t match up to what we had in mind.  Whatever holiday you celebrate, let go of what you think it “should be.”  It’s nice to have traditions, but if we get too attached to them, it can cause us pain.  We need to be able to be flexible, to adapt to new circumstances and be open to doing things differently.  For instance, Mauldin’s family found that after two deaths in the family, it helped to totally abandon their traditions and go on a trip.

            We have to deal not only with our own expectations, but with those that are imposed on us.  Family members may expect us to do things we don’t want to do.  Children may expect gifts that are beyond our budget or don’t fit our values.  Maybe you don’t celebrate any holiday, and it’s hard to deal with the expectation that everybody is celebrating something this time of year.  Maybe you just don’t feel like you have to be happy just because it’s December.

            When faced with others’ expectations, we need to take care of ourselves.  Decide which expectations you can live with, and which you need to just say no to. 

            We need to take care of ourselves in other ways too.  Dear Abby warns us not to overspend, something that is all too easy in the holiday season, but can be a real problem.  She also warns us to watch our alcohol intake, and I would add our food intake as well.  The holidays provide many opportunities to overindulge, and while in the short run it may seem to make us merry, in the long run it hurts us.  It can help to do the healthy things we find raise our spirits any time of year - things like long walks, hot baths, time with friends, exercise, meditation. 

            If you’re dealing with a death or another major loss, allow yourself to grieve.  For that matter, allow yourself to grieve all your losses.  Often when there is a change in the family situation, there is some loss involved.  The son or daughter who has started a family of their own and now celebrates in their own household.  The family member who moved far away and isn’t able to make it home anymore.  The falling out that hasn’t been repaired.  The family member who is no longer functional, for whatever reason.  No amount of forced holiday cheer will erase the painful feelings.  The loss will be felt all the more at this time of year.  Even when we think it is an old loss and we have grieved enough, the holidays can bring it back.  Feel the loss.  Feel the pain, don’t block it out.  Feel it and then move on.

            Something else I recommend when feeling blue, and Dear Abby does too, is to do something for someone else.  Participate in the Sharing Tree or the Guest at Your Table.  Call or visit someone who lives alone or doesn’t get out much.  Bake a batch of cookies and give them all away.  Better yet, find something you can keep doing all year long, some way you can keep giving.  Our community offers many volunteer opportunities. 

            Along with Southworth, I “would encourage you to look for how you can find religious and spiritual meaning this time of year. . .  It doesn’t matter if you are Christian or Jewish, pagan or humanist, this time of year offers everyone a chance to find a way to connect more deeply to that which is greater than us – whether that be God, the return of the Sun, the wonder we see in children’s eyes or the love we share a little more openly this time of year.”

            In the Christmas special, Linus helps Charlie Brown by reminding him of the religious meaning of the Christmas holiday, the story of Jesus’ birth.  In the first reading, Mauldin says it helps her to remember the Christmas story to give her some perspective on her strivings for perfection.  For those of us for whom this story has no meaning, we need to find new ways to see beauty in this dark time of year, and to connect with something deeper and larger than Santa Claus. 

            One way to do that is to go into the darkness, let it inspire you.  Instead of looking for the end of it, waiting through the darkness to celebrate the return of the light, we can find in it an opportunity to turn inward, to become reflective and to listen for the still small voice within..  The hymn the choir sang suggests that the darkness offers a peace that can sooth our fears, can comfort and caress us.  If we go into the darkness, let it quiet and calm us, we may find our soul will sing a song, a blessed song of love eternal.

            However you celebrate this season – or not – whether you get together with loved ones or not, whatever December means to you, I wish you the quieter joy and peace that this time of year can bring.  I wish you a beautiful, peaceful holiday season full of warmth and love.

The Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Midland is recognized by the Unitarian Universalist Association as a Welcoming Congregation. We welcome, affirm, promote and celebrate the full participation of all persons in all of our activities without regard to age, gender, sexual orientation, race or any other such category of exclusion.

Please feel free to contact us with any feedback, corrections or questions at jaham@delta.edu